Published: Friday, 2nd May, 2008 16:30
Gas bill was a knockout
By Dan Gowar
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THANK goodness I was not climbing a ladder against an outside wall of Gowar Towers when opening our latest gas bill.
Had it been so, the thud would have been heard across Inverclyde. I would have still been in intensive care with eyes closed, but able to hear medics say: “This is an utter mystery. Despite the fall, Mr Gowar appears to have suffered no injuries to his bones or brain yet something has caused him such a fright he cannot speak or communicate in any fashion.”
There would be speculation I fell from the ladder upon seeing something seriously strange such as Elvis Presley walking up the driveway in the nude while knitting a cardigan and singing ‘Are You Lonesome Tonight?’
Fortunately, yours truly was sitting in the fireside armchair when the aforementioned bill was opened. No one else was in the room, but it is almost certain I fainted for a few minutes.
What can be recalled was a trip to the kitchen to pour a substantial measure from a secret dispensary under the sink. I also remember cleaning my spectacles.
Fortified with Dutch courage, I risked a second look at the bill, having first made sure I was seated once again. Sadly, the amount the power company was demanding had not diminished.
The General Manager came home an hour later and claims I was muttering gibberish. Prising the bill from my fingers, she, too, got a fright upon reading the bottom line.
The decent soul gave me something sensible (little did she know it was a top-up to bolster my earlier self-administered injection) from the living room cabinet I am only allowed to investigate under supervision.
When paying the bill at my bank, the assistant could not help taking a sharp intake of breath before inquiring: “Forgive my asking, but is THAT for three months?”
I suspect she actually meant to say: “Mr Gowar, you’ve been a customer for many years, but I never realised you owned an hotel.”
Businesses need to make a profit but why can our politicians not legislate against power companies hiking their prices in the desire for what ordinary folk regard as obscene returns?
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