Published: Friday, 23rd May, 2008 16:30
How to boil an egg...
By Dan Gowar
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IN days gone, some libraries used scissors to remove stories deemed potentially disturbing in newspapers before these were displayed for public consumption.
I attempted something similar after the General Manager and yours truly embarked upon married life.
Early on, the GM clicked I was up to no good — these were her exact words — and warned she would impose severe sanctions (younger married readers will catch my drift) should any newspaper or magazine coming into the house have a story cut out or obliterated by marker pencil before my dearest had the opportunity to read it.
Despite the love of my life’s warnings, I have often endeavoured that she should not catch sight of certain items in newspapers or on TV which might prompt her to direct ridicule at a certain individual.
This is not easy to carry off. The GM still objects to my reading a newspaper and then ripping out part of a page, crunching it into a ball and chucking it on our coal fire.
Nor does she appreciate my refusing to relinquish the TV remote control if she suspects yours truly will switch channels when something might have me squirming.
What I am leading up to is the revelation, courtesy of a recent supermarket survey, that 79 per cent of the population have not a clue how to boil an egg properly. Despite my best efforts, the GM somehow became acquainted with the finding, and I have suffered as a consequence.
She said: “Boil an egg? Forget the 79 per cent of UK citizens incapable of making a breakfast’s simplest cooked ingredient — you cannot even boil a kettle.
“The last time I asked you to switch the kettle on and prepare my late evening mug of cocoa, I found out you attempted something idiotic which resulted in the microwave oven’s door being blown off its hinges and the kitchen re-decorated in a chocolate hue.”
Then she discovered 83 per cent of those questioned in the survey did not know how long it took to cook a chicken.
Her response was: “Dan, never even think of cooking a chicken — I don’t want the roof blasted into outer space.”
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